Beale's Place.

Was thinking about Ian Beale, or maybe I was really thinking about Adam Woodyatt...is there a difference?

Ian Beale. Terminally Ian Beale. Irredeemably Ian Beale. Permanently Ian Beale. He's sort of the poster boy of toadiness. He's a twat. Adam Woodyatt has played the quintessential dickhead for more than 2,000 episodes; the longest serving cast member on EastEnders. He's been Ian Beale since 1985. He's been playing that smug stain for as long as Wayne Rooney, Keira Knightly, Nicola Roberts have walked the earth.

I've seen Adam Woodyatt at the Soap Awards. He stepped up to the mic as the face of EastEnders, which he deserves; he's put in the hours. But in my head, I can't help but go 'Oh, piss off Ian.' Sure. Babs Windsor, everyone loves Babs Windsor. But when Steve McFadden takes the mic, I don't go 'Oh, piss off Phil Mitchell'. Phil Mitchell's a crack addict, and an armed robber, and a bastard, and he slept with his brother's wife, and then tried to kill him in a Vauxhall Astra. How bad do you have to be for that to be the better choice?

You have to be Ian Beale.

Ian Beale. Amazingly he's been married four times. Un-amazingly they've all ended. Cindy even paid a man to shoot him to death. That's what Ian Beale does to you. According to Wikipedia, 64% of all people with television sets tuned in to see Ian Beale get shot. Ian's such a loser that he survived. He could have died, a tragic exit, everyone feeling sorry for him. But he survived, and everyone went back to thinking he was a fart with skin and hair. Still, he went on to marry Tamzin Outwaite. Then she dumped him after she found out he'd lied about his kid having cancer. I think this happened at the reception. Of the wedding. Then there was Laura. Ian's nanny. She died falling downstairs going to answer the door - IAN BEALE KILLED HIS WIFE WITH A DOORBELL.

Most recently, it's been long-suffering Jane. Ian didn't sleep with any prostitutes this time, I don't think. He did manage to cheat on her with Makepeace. He also complained loads about a women's health clinic being built where his favourite car wash used to be. That was worse for Jane. It was the epiphany moment. 'I could cope with him cheating if he wasn't such a massive twat.' Jane hasn't died, or tried to kill him, or anything. She just realised she doesn't love him. And told him as much.

By Ian Beale standards, this is a win.

You know all about Harry H. Corbett. Trapped forever as Harold Steptoe. Nowadays we have the documentaries, the films about his life. We know all about the tragedy of his genius. Well, he played a funny rag and bone man for about twelve years. Fifty-Seven episodes. Adam Woodyatt has played a dog poo for more than TWO-THOUSAND episodes. What's the poor man supposed to do? He's got to have that shitty, thinning fringe for as long as it takes. For forever. There is no Adam Woodyatt anymore. I wonder if his chip shop pun - Beale's Plaice - reflects on a crueller joke. This is Beale's place. He isn't going anywhere.

But maybe Adam's happy. The thing is, Ian's one of the most effective characters on British TV today. I'm not writing a blog about Gaz Wilkinson*, am I? Ian's a fantastically rich character. He's epic in his shitness. Actors love stuff like that, don't they? He might look at Ian Beale and think 'Will Smith couldn't do what I do. Jude Law couldn't do this. I am a much better actor than Chris O'Donnell.' And he'd be right. Will Smith plays Will Smith. Adam Woodyatt IS Ian Beale.

*Will Mellor in 'Two Pints of Holy Shit is this show still going?'